Guilt Ridden

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I keep looking at P2 and realising how lucky I truly am. She’s perfect in every way, she’s healthy, she’s growing, she’s developing and she’s feeding.

I frequently feel guilty about the luck that has been showered over us. So many women struggle, they struggle to conceive, they struggle to grow a baby, they struggle to feed, they struggle to cope with the strains of a child. All of these things are not a woman’s fault, yet I know they blame themselves.

A friend of mine is struggling to keep her baby satisfied with just her breast milk. I feel awful for her and wish there was something I could say or do to make things better. She wants to breast feed, she wants to be enough for her baby and the fact there’s nothing she can do is heartbreaking! I feel guilty sitting there with P2 attached to my boob quite happy. The only issue we’ve had was a few days after her birth when my boobs became cracked and sore but that only lasted a few days and we were back on track.

I feel guilty that a woman experiences postnatal depression. It must be the worst feeling in the world, not being able to control how you feel, feeling trapped maybe and tired. I’m saying women, but men experience depression after their baby is born too! I can’t imagine how horrible it must feel to sit with your baby in your arms and feel no bond. When all you want is to feel something for your own flesh and blood.

I desperately want to know what causes all these situations. What causes one person to succeed in everything, and others to struggle? Especially when it comes to the greatest gift of life; parenthood.

I’m succeeding with P2 – I know that sounds big headed. We are in a routine, led by her of course, we feed on demand, she sleeps well at night, she’s flexible when I’m out and I’m even able to eat hot meals and have a bath most days.

When it comes to P1 – I’m struggling! She’s not so easy to cope with anymore. She used to be my perfect, well behaved, routined daughter. Now, I feel anger and upset when she’s around. I’m trying to change that and don’t get me wrong, she’s my world. I know it’s just a phase for all of us. We’re all still adjusting, I know that. But there’s so many different people disciplining her and treating her in different ways – it must be so confusing for her. M

I know, well I hope, that I’ll get my girl back when we buy our own home and have our own rules set. When I’m her main carer. When she starts school. But right this second, the situation is getting me down, I shout at P1, then smile at P2. I feel like this is all my fault, I’ve brought a beautiful baby into our lives to complete our family, but instead, it’s completely tore P1s life up.

Overall, we are doing well and I’m coping. But the days I don’t make me feel like such a failure. Sometimes, just to be told in doing a good job is all I need to pick my mood back up. I mean P1 isn’t a monster all the time. She’s brilliant with P2, she plays nicely when I’m busy, she’s intelligent and witty. It’s just those naughty moments that break me.
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