It’s gone. And I’m devastated.
I knew this time would come, especially the past few weeks where I’ve noticed significant changes in our feeding patterns and my boobs. But tonight, it’s gone. I’ve used the last of my expressed milk too, except one frozen bag that I have round my MiLs which will be sent to make a keepsake.
I expected for one day, P2s first birthday, to choose that I would begin to wean her from my milk and onto cows milk. I really didn’t expect to have that choice taken away from me so abruptly. It’s been a gradual process over the past week, no matter how much skin-to-skin contact, how much water I drink, how many times I put her to my boob. P2 and my body have decided its time for my boobs to return to their teeny tiny floppy state of life.
I’ve spent the majority of the evening crying my eyes out. Looking at how big my baby is, and knowing that it’s no longer going to be me that’s helped achieved that. Remembering that I have to pack bottles of formula milk now every time I go out, and not really knowing how much to take. I haven’t even got the option of slowly weaning her off of me, I have no more stored milk, I have no idea how this is going to react with her stomach and I’m terrified!
There’s some upsides to this situation; I’ll be able to wear normal bras, normal clothes, have more dignity, hopefully no more lop sided boobs, have a honeymoon and enjoy some couple time without worrying how much milk P2 has with whoever is babysitting. I’ll be able to give her a bottle during a traffic jam instead of her screaming for what seems like ages.
The most important upside of it all is that I have given my daughter the absolute best start in life, I have to keep telling myself that. Through the pain of watching her feed from a bottle and stare at my boobs as I lay next to her in bed.
I’m sorry little one, I’m sorry that my body wouldn’t let you reach our goal of one year! I’m sorry I’m having to give you formula when you wake in the night tonight.